SHE'S GOT SUCH A DIRTY MIND

Something good should happen like, stat.

maaaaayne.

honestly.... I think that people who are not humble are the biggest turn off on the face of the planet.

also,

-getting talked down to is the worst. I would rather you do anything to me aside from undermining my intelligence.
-my mom is the best person in the world. I hope everyone can say the same about theirs as well. but, seriously. she is insane and I miss her so much words can't even begin to describe.

and one more thing:
I can't fucking WAIT to be home.

and I don't want to waste my time baking these god-forsaken cupcakes for self-absorbed prick of a room-mate who doesn't even deserve them in the goddamn first place.

anyone have tricks on how to speed up time???? 'cause I could use em'.

please god, make thursday hurry up!!!!!! fuck :[

I am so not into live journal anymore. In fact, I have royally outgrown this journal. And I've tried other blogging sites, trust me I have. And although in my younger years I happily became a part of diaryland, xanga, and of course live journal.... I no longer find that comfort level in blogging sites these days. And so, I have attempted a stint at other places and eventually always ended up back here. So, alas, until I decide where to venture next- here I'll stay. What's it matter, anyways? I don't know anyone who still uses this thing. For the most part anyways.
Eh. (by the way, I wish I could indent here. that bothers me) anywho- so yes, I'll stay here for a bit. I just really enjoy writing out my thoughts and I'd like to do it more often. I actually really appreciate how much I used to reflect and write down my daily life, how ever stupid and immature it may have been, just because now I have my own rear-view mirror, in print. awesome.

so, I wish I were in Houston this evening for NFG. It would be so much fun.

And the silence; it became so very clear
That you had long ago disappeared.
I cursed myself for being surprised
That this didn't play like it did in my mind.

All the way from San Francisco
As I chased the end of your road
Cause I've still got miles to go.

And I want to know my fate
If I keep up this way.

And it's hard to want to stay awake
When everyone you need, they all seem to be asleep.
And you wonder if you missed your dream.

You can't see a dream
You can't see a dream.
You just can't see a dream.

And then it started getting dark.
I truged back to where the car was parked
No closer to any kind of truth
As I assume was the case with you.



...I guess I moved and I'm not any happier.
And I guess I'm scared I never will be. Although, I know I will.
And I can't talk to anyone. or so it feels.
Everyone here is desolate, for starters. And as deep as a puddle. It's like searching amidst a bare cupboard for something to eat for dinner. And all you have is some tuna fish, olives, and an old can of chicken noodle soup. Fuckin' nothing.
And meghann..... is fucking pregnant. And as selfish as it sound's, she will never be the same, and I will never have that friend in her. And everything is totally changed. Forever. No one asked how I felt about all this.
And Chelsea, I just don't even know where I'd begin. And I don't feel as though she has the time.
And Bailey is an idiot. not to mention, totally consumed in a lack luster, mentally abusive relationship.

And sure there's my Mom. who is... amazing. but yet, I can't divulge everything to her.

And so I just feel lost, isolated, and confused. And worse, clueless how to change things.

Not to mention, I am absolutely sick to fucking death of being invisible and incapable of love.

And ya know what else I'm done with? Self pitying journal entries on live journal.

So fuck it. ciao.


( Dear Juan, (rough draft) )

so, I feel completely isolated in my thinking.
And my soul feels as though it's aged, and I'm beyond all of this.
Where will I be in six months?
Why am I so frigid?
When will everything make sense?


Why can't someone just give me a map and tell me where to fucking go?

god, I am one lonely fool. I just, I am so tired. What is so goddamned wrong with me? And why is it that even when I make a huge effort that I still end up getting fucked? And i'm sorry for the self-loathing ramble but goddamnit I can only hold a grin for so long. I mean, maybe Paige is right. maybe I've created some self-fulfilling prophecy but I really have no motivation and I feel so far from who I was that I'm kindof becoming an ice cube. and honestly, why shouldn't I be? if we're being honest here? I am not being outrageous when I say that maybe I'm just un-capable of being loved.


I'm starting to hate my life.


alright no more. chao.

I've decided I hate the word, "realistic".

what does that EVEN MEAN? why do people utter the phrase "don't waste your time, be realistic." or, "cool idea, but that's not very realistic." or, "man, I wanna bang the shit out of that girl but I guess the chances of me scoring some of that pussy isn't very..... realistic?"


well, why the fuck NOT? why isn't it realistic, bro?

why can't you score that ho? why won't your parents let you go to that out of state school? why can't you make payment plans on that vintage camero?

why is your reality so fucking blase that you can't achieve what you're drawn to? and furthermore, how come your reality is cotton based fabric, rather than nylon, or spandex? giving it room to grow, stretch, expand, EVOLVE?.... CHANGE???


your reality sucks if this is the case.
nothing is real, or unreal. realistic, or unrealistic.

everything just exsists, it's YOU and who you listen to that creates your reality.

fuckin' colorado! here I come!

GOSH, I am more surprised every single day by how involved I have become in politics this year and how intrigued and informed i've becomed about this current election. I feel like I'm in a really good position to do so also, because I learned a lesson a long time ago about maintaining an open mind, and that a truly smart person puts away their ego, and is open to EVERYONE and EVERYTHING and becomes INFORMED about those things so that when the time comes to CHOOSE you can do so intelligently, instead of just swallowing other peoples bullshit opinions and spewing them out like their yours without even the slightest bit of actual knowledge concerning those issues.

and also, I know everyone else like rags like a mother fucker on katie couric these days since she's no longer that cute bitch on the TODAY show but seriously.... she is one tough cookie, and an amazing journalist/interviewer. quite frankly, she's been the only bitch i've seen to ask the tough questions and seek answers from them. she doesn't allow either candidate to sugar coat shit, and if they do, she is more than willing to interrupt and repeat until she gets a verified yes, or, no. amazing. regardless of your stance, I strongly suggest going to CBS.com and watching her recent interview with Palin.

bad.ass.bitch

I wanna buy her a shot.

daz all, zeeee end.

i'm used to opening my own doors
and splitting the checks
he introduced me, was always just the "friend"
I bought a new dress... he never noticed.

always falling for these bad boys...
such a challenge
I'm getting tired of cleaning up after them
I think i'm ready to be a woman

oh love,

I think i'm ready, ready for it.

you were such a surprise
an unexpected gift
said I was pretty
and I believed it.
not really used to all this attention...

told myself I don't deserve you, and this is just a phase
could I get used to being loved the right way?
I wanna argue.... but there is nothing to say.

oh love,

I think i'm ready... ready for it.

my mother always told me that you'd show up one day
so scared... to feel this way
but love, I think i'm ready, ready for it.

oh love, I think i'm ready...



and i'm sick to death of it.
where are you????

Is it entirely selfish of me to what to say in a meek voice that yes I know it's hard down there, but do you not realize how hard it has also been for me up here?

I mean, I get that things are hard right now. And I get that things are chaotic. There's a casserole of emotions raging from frustration from illness, and time, and the weather, and the media, and the traffic lights, and the two hour drives home from work, and the sadness mixed with grief in loosing property and places and fear of things never being the same. chaos from rebuilding and trying to continue on, nostalgia in missing your loved ones. I KNOW ALL OF THESE THINGS, I know more than anyone! I am so acutely aware of them you'd think I were experiencing them WITH YOU for christ sake. but what I'm saying is as much as it sucks "there's just alot going on" is not an excuse. yes there is alot going on, but the world isn't going to stop spinning, and life IS going on and I feel such intense empathy and longing for you all and for all of these things but I am feeling them too! Do you know how hard it is to know that your loved ones are ill (multiple), your home is being destroyed, and a hurricane is taking away the island you've loved since you were an infant and be alone in the chaos? with only your solitude and marijuana as your comfort and no one to talk to? to understand? to empathize with?

to have a car payment and not be able to pay it, to be a burden to those you love most financially, to worry, to be swamped with academics, to be terrified in an entirely new place, to have to go to court BY YOURSELF for your first violation ever to plead for an alcohol related offense... how terrifying and huge that is, to feel awkward, and shy, outgoing, and lost, lonely, lonely, lonely.

I care, and I understand and sure you get a few free passes because of the current going-on's but please know my life is not a slice of chocolate cake, okay? I am not saying feel sorry for me, and I'm not saying I'm comparable but just remember to look at the other end of the grass.

fuck

when I came home this weekend... I found myself at first, at an empty house.

I showered and got ready and as I waited for Meghann to come over I opened up a frosty cold beer and found myself faced with the innevitable. The Journal from the beach house, along with the only photos that were salvaged were there, in front of me, stairing me straight in the face. I shifted, I gazed uncomfortably, I pondered wether cracking open the bind would be a good idea or not.... but of course curiosity and love for that journal got the best of me and I at alone with my dog and decided to skim through the pages.

there were entries from old friends I no longer speak to, entries from previous storms we boarded up for and prayed our guts out to, entries from this summer, and entries before I could even drive a car, sad ones, happy ones, ones written write before the storm and directly after

I cried (duh)

and today before I left I also wrote another entry in it. It was as follows:

9/22/08

Dear Alamo Del Mar,
"I started sending you a note
on how I hope that you're happy
I hear you're somewhere in the sand
and how I wish I was an ocean
baby then, I'd get to see you again."

great lyrics from a great song. I listened to it as I drove the other day and I thought of you. It's true though, I kind of wish I was the ocean so I could see you right now, or rather, whats left of you.

I want you to know that loosing you, and our beloved little trailor trash paradise of Crystal Beach hurts so much that it feels like an actual person has died. This sucks. But....

Thank you for allowing us to fulfill our dream. Thanks to your beaches for being the first place I drove on. Thank you for that swingset that always seemed to clear my mind. Thanks for letting Mimi paint beautiful pictures. Thanks for being somewhere that my Dad could clear his head. Thank you for that picnic table I got my mom to play beer pong on. And thanks for giving us a place to still hang out with Ging at (my Grandfather).

You have been a fourth family memeber and I am so sad to see you go.

God bless you for the sunrises, and the sunsets, and for keeping all the beer so cold.

I miss you already.

All my love ♥ ,
Sara





this weekend felt amazing as much as it made me so terribly sad.
I will comment more on this whole situation later.

oy veigh.

"You simply can’t make someone love you if they don’t. You must choose someone who already loves you. If you choose someone who does not love you, this is the sort of love you must want."

I just wrote the hugest entry and I deleted it by accident cause I'm a fucking tool.

whoops.




I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstarted to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me.

Just he uses love for sex
and sure, she uses sex for love
and they're both hoping for the best
I also have that dream you're thinking of.
if we place a blindfold on our eyes,
iron & gold appear the same
it's intense hope that makes us try.
so we go on and play the game.

and once again we get attached,
and think we've found the answer
here we go again!
ran into many walls
but I know i'll get that answer.
here we go again!
we loved not wisely.
we loved not wisely, but too well...

we're hoping she will be the one
but we never learn from our mistakes
and based on beauty love soon dies
then we make our move to seperate.
yes iron and gold appear the same
but one is costly to obtain
and I'll be the only onle blame
but if I resist I know I'll gain.


BLAAAAH Ian, get ugly and stop making me like you! now!

fuck! waaaah

blah blah blah
blah blah blaaahh
blah fucking blah

blah

blah

b..la....hhhh


ughsz

ok one other thing... this doesn't happen very often so I feel the need to mark it.

I have a crush. and it's starting to become a pretty big one. and if my track record serves true, it's probably a bad idea, I should stop now, and I'm not his type.

but I do have to admit... it does kind of feel good... to get butterflies and such... y'know?!

anyways, it's braden's room-mate, Ian.

ahhhhhhh

I got a minor in consumption friday. go fucking figure.

anyways, please answer this and help me out:

so... for my interpersonal speech class... I have to write this paper on "who I am".
I'm not supposed to say anything to define who I am that has anything to do with my outward stuff like a job, or family, or hobbies or anything.

I'm supposed to JUST talk about like, my personal traits, and my real personality.

I am fucking stumped.

what comes to your mind when you think of me?

help? :(

so, I'm kind of getting drunk right now
and I'm going to my first party here tonight
it's a lacrosse party.

this... should be interesting.









fuuuuuuck, ian, why do you have to be so hot!??!!??!!1

I can't tell you how hard it is to feel this alone. I just, I don't know. Coming from a life like literally, my whole life, of being someone who is friends with EVERYONE. and I don't mean that literally but for the most part, I have never in my life had a problem with having friends. and a broad spectrum of groups of them too. and coming from that to this...... oh my god. I feel so vulnerable.

I know it's the first week. And I know that it will "get better" but this hurts so much.
It doesn't help that my apartment complex is far from the UNT campus so not many students live in it, and it also doesn't help that everyone at their fucking community college I'm attending also attends UNT as well. It's like a little highschool where every single person knows eachother and I'm just this... outsider.

and I'm fucking sick to DEATH of only having Braden & Juan. 'cause that is IT. they are my ONLY friends here. I am sooooo tired of not being able to make my own plans but instead having to rely on others for some. And i'm tired of going out when i want to stay home just because I feel obligated because I don't fucking know anyone. And I also hate feeling like a charity case. Like, braden has to hang out with me/us.

I don't want to meet all my friends through him but it's like, fuck.

and Juan is so persistant he doesn't help. He CONSTANTLY bitches about not knowing anyone and wanting to meet them and I'm just like give it a rest already. I don't know what to do. you don't just walk into a resteraunt to eat dinner and go up to people and say hi. that's not how you meet people.

and of course he points out every day whenever he talks to someone new.

god.

I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like i've always been so confident, so strong, so sure of myself that I'm outgoing and friendly and personable and that I can do this

ba;lkds;alkd;alskd;askd;la I don't know how I feel about that now.

I mean, in the past days I've gone to that school not one person has said hello to me, or introduced themselves to me, or smiled my way. not once. I know that it goes both ways. I know that. but fuck.

and I was sitting in class today listening to these girls make their plans for the weekend and I was so jealous. Oh my god I was so jealous. my stomach just cringed listening to them.

same thing happens whenever I go to target, or fuck, anywhere. I'm there alone, and everyone else is chatting away happily.

isn't everyone supposed to feel this way? they say everyones feeeling like you do. all alone, and such.


are you sure?
I don't feel that way.

I keep wanting to write this long philosophical entry about denton, how i'm here now, everything about it, blah blah blah. and I'll get that urge, and then it passes.

I will do it soon, I promise.

but I will tell you this: I have resurrected my Something Corporate CD and I almost forgot how great they are. I'm serious. You will get that same stomach clinching feeling you got when you were 13 listening to it. It doesn't alter or change and become some nostalgic joke like Taking Back Sunday or Coheed. No. It still resonates. I promise.

go give it a shot. but if you were lame enough to enjoy their later cd's like 'North' and stuff... no. Don't go there. Stick with 'Leaving Through The Window'

so great.

anyways, epic entry soon to come.

but I am alive & well.

I am, I am.